Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder and Navigating Relationships with Faith and Boundaries
Dr. May Zeidan Lukacs, PhD
Licensed Clinical Therapist
Relationships are never easy. While they bring joy and fulfillment, reflecting our God-given desire for fellowship, they also require effort, self-awareness, and emotional resilience. Often, this means maintaining healthy boundaries and practicing forgiveness—even from a distance when necessary.
In Luke 17:3-4, Jesus teaches us: “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in the day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” This scripture highlights the importance of forgiveness for those who genuinely seek it—mirroring the forgiveness we receive from our Lord when we sincerely repent.
Similarly, Colossians 3:13 reminds us to “forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.” As Christians, we are called to pray for others, especially those who cannot recognize or take responsibility for their actions. This can be challenging in relationships with individuals who struggle with mental disorders or unresolved trauma, as these dynamics often bring confusion and doubt, leading us to question our own reality.
Such situations are particularly complicated when dealing with someone affected by borderline personality disorder (BPD). Relationships of this nature can leave us emotionally drained and far from the peace and joy God desires for us. They remind us of the necessity of protecting our spiritual and mental well-being while staying rooted in prayer and faith.
Individuals with BPD often face significant challenges in maintaining healthy relationships, leaving those around them feeling confused, hurt, or uncertain about the dynamics of the connection. BPD is a serious mental health condition defined by nine key symptoms outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
The Challenges of Relationships with Someone with BPD
A family member or friend with BPD may struggle with intense fears of abandonment, leading to cycles of idealization and devaluation in their relationships. Initially, they may come across as charming, engaging, and highly complementary. However, this idealization can quickly give way to devaluation over seemingly minor issues, leaving you questioning what went wrong.
This pattern is often rooted in their fear of abandonment, which intertwines with a fragile sense of identity. Individuals with BPD may “love bomb” new connections, showering others with affection and expressing a strong sense of commonality. Yet, any perceived change—such as a delayed response, a missed lunch, or a life transition—can trigger a crisis, leading to irrational fears that the relationship is at risk.
Their struggle with identity further compounds these issues. They often feel unstable in their sense of self, experiencing dramatic shifts in self-image, goals, and values. This instability can make it challenging for those around them, including friends, family members, children, and partners.
Common Symptoms of BPD (Per the DSM-5) and Behavioral Characteristics
Below are key symptoms of BPD as outlined in the DSM-5, along with behaviors to recognize:
1. Fear of Abandonment
• Behavioral Signs:
• Intense fear of imagined or real abandonment, often overthinking relationships.
• “Love bombing” to secure affection, including over-sharing or “trauma dumping.”
• Minimizing others’ emotions while struggling to release their own fears of abandonment.
2. Dichotomous Thinking (Black-and-White Thinking)
• Behavioral Signs:
• Seeing people as either “all good” or “all bad.”
• Initial idealization of friends or partners, followed by devaluation.
• Using tactics like gaslighting to make others question their own perceptions.
• Engaging in triangulation: manipulating relationships by lying or sowing jealousy to maintain control or distance others from new friendships or partners.
3. Identity Disturbance
• Behavioral Signs:
• Unstable self-image and dramatic changes in goals, values, or long-term plans.
• Playing the victim to garner sympathy and reinforce fears of abandonment.
4. Impulsivity
• Behavioral Signs:
• Engaging in self-destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse, reckless driving, or binge eating.
• Blaming others and avoiding accountability for emotional dysregulation.
5. Suicidal Ideation or Self-Harm
• Behavioral Signs:
• Frequent thoughts of suicide or engaging in risky, self-injurious behaviors.
6. Emotional Instability
• Behavioral Signs:
• Rapid and intense mood swings.
• Paranoid thoughts or feelings of being unloved, often stress-related.
7. Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
• Behavioral Signs:
• Expressing feelings of being hollow or purposeless, affecting their ability to connect meaningfully with others.
8. Intense or Inappropriate Anger
• Behavioral Signs:
• Explosive temper tantrums or irrational arguments.
• Using silent treatment or withholding affection as a means of control.
9. Stress-Related Paranoia
• Behavioral Signs:
• Temporary paranoid thoughts driven by stress or fear of abandonment.
Seeking Help
If you experience these symptoms, it is vital to seek support from a doctor or mental health professional. A formal diagnosis of BPD can only be made by a qualified clinician, and effective therapies, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can significantly improve coping and relationships. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, reach out to the following resources:
• Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): 1-888-628-9454 (Spanish language support available)
• Emergency Services: Dial 911
• Your Healthcare Team: Contact your doctor, therapist, or another trusted professional.
• Trusted Individuals: Reach out to family members, peers, or someone from your faith community.
Protecting Yourself While Supporting Others
If you are on the receiving end of behavior associated with BPD, setting clear boundaries is critical for your mental health. While you can encourage the person to seek professional help, remember that you cannot force change.
Tips for navigating relationships with someone with BPD:
• Set Boundaries: Be clear about what behaviors are unacceptable.
• Recognize Manipulation: Stay vigilant for tactics like playing the victim, trauma dumping, or gaslighting.
• Avoid Over-Engagement: Protect your own emotional well-being by avoiding being drawn into their cycles of idealization and devaluation.
• Reevaluate Relationships: In some cases, it may be necessary to distance yourself from unhealthy dynamics, especially in friendships or romantic relationships.
Understanding BPD and recognizing its symptoms can empower you to approach these challenging relationships with empathy and self-care. Healthy boundaries and professional support can make a significant difference in navigating these complex dynamics.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
The Bible. (2011). New American Bible, Revised Edition. United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. https://bible.usccb.org
Mayo Clinic. (n.d.). Borderline personality disorder: Symptoms & causes. Mayo Clinic. Retrieved November 21, 2024, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237 (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237)
Psych Central. (n.d.). Borderline personality disorder: Symptoms. Retrieved November 21, 2024, from https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms (https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms)
